I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
