I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Who died my cat blue again?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
