yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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