i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We have started to decorate penises.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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