When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
