I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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