I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
