I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
When are your genitals available?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
