so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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