Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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