Cold hands, warm shart.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
