My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Mom said you looked used
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
