Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
