You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
