1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Help. Why am I so naked?
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