do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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