if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
