I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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