My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
