I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
