I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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