we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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