if only i could text you this smell
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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