my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
