According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My penis needs a shock collar
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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