His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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