my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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