Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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