I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
