Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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