I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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