So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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