I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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