Sorry, I don't speak sober.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
