Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
