I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
