the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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