I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
