Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
