based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
