So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
