i already hear my dad disowning me
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
