I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Randomize
