I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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