I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize