It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
