when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He has the fingertips of a God
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
