i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
