i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize