The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
