i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize