i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
