My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
