i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
