my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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