imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Randomize
