if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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