Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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