Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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