Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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