bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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