lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
